Posted in Internal Thoughts

A Greedy Yet Timid Heart

For the most part I’d like to describe myself as a pretty laid back person, but on the other hand I feel that I am one of the most two faced people I know. It’s not that the person I show to other people isn’t the real me, but it’s the me that everyone wants to see. I show the part of me that’s nice yet sarcastic, helpful, realistic, etc. Got the picture? I try to be a role model or at least the person I think I should be.

When I consider someone a good friend, I would literally do almost anything for them. I become the attentive friend that some might find annoying. I’ll pay attention to any detail I can get. I’ll buy a friend tissues if I see them sniffling, be a shoulder for them to cry, take time out of my schedule to see them even if it’s out of the way for me, and other things of that sort. With this wholehearted attitude and actions I put into my friends, my problem is the thought that I want the same back.

I want my friends to give back as much as they receive. If I’m willing to go the ends of the earth for my friends…why can’t they do the same? Does this make me greedy to be shown the same amount of love that I try to give? Do I deserve the amount of love that I give back to other people? Should I stop trying so hard? Should I give up?

My thought processes tend to go in the same general direction when I get into one of my depressed moods. It’s always negative, and I can’t help it. I never feel like I’m good enough. I feel like I always have to fight for every good thing in my life; that if I don’t be better than the best then I don’t even deserve a crumb of goodness.

I want these things that always seem out of my reach and I can’t help but feel like I can’t reach it because I don’t need it, that I don’t deserve it. I’m greedy because I have experienced amazing things and have a “good” life, yet I’m not happy with my life. There’s something more, but do I really need to have this “more” in my life? Am I just being greedy even though I shouldn’t be?

Even if I find that “more,” I don’t think I would be able to grab it because this “more” that could complete me could reject me and destroy the shell of a person that I am now. I’m scared, timid, to grab this “more” that my greedy heart wants yet shies from. Such contradictory feelings slow through me like a hurricane every day, yet I can’t show it.

It’s not who I am. It’s not who I should be. I can’t be selfish. I can’t be shameless. Don’t cry. Don’t be a dependent. Be independent and be a wall for other people to lean on. I have to give everything I have even if I’m a single touch away from breaking. Don’t frown.


Posted in Internal Thoughts

A Lacking Spectrum

To be cliche; life is full of ups and downs, and, hopefully, the ups outweigh the downs. Life can also feel very repetitive if one has a set schedule whether it’s a job or school. I like to think that all of the things we feel throughout life can fall onto a spectrum. For example: happy to sad, excited to bored, and so on. The emotional spectrum would most likely be represented as a cube.

For most people, all emotions are very present and for others there are more extreme emotions that broaden the spectrum. Depression causes an extension to the cube and creates a 3D kite. OCD could extend some other parts of the cube. There are so many things that could affect this cube, so everyone’s cube is different yet similar.

Except for mine.

My cube isn’t a cube. It’s more like a diamond, but with less angles and complexion. And this is due to the fact that I am unable to feel love. What is love, though? How does one go about saying how they know they “love” something? Will the heart race? Will life be unlivable if that something isn’t a part of the world anymore? Will the internal temperature of the body rise unintentionally? If those can help define what love is, then I have yet to find love.

I definitely have my interests and things that I like, but nothing that would come close to the feeling of “love” that everyone seems to express so easily. Friends, family, hobbies, etc. all fall around the “like” area of my spectrum as that’s the farthest anything can go.

I figured this out a few years ago through one of my deep thinking sessions and I eventually confessed about it to my dad and brother. I don’t talk about my deep feelings a lot, but it felt right. However, I recently found out that I hurt my dad with my words. I can’t take them back and I wouldn’t if given the chance. It’s my reality, but there is something positive I can say to wrap up this sad post.

The moment I found out that I lack love as an emotion, a weight was lifted off of my body and mind. I feel that I am getting closer to being able to say “love” and mean it. I don’t think that I will ever be able to feel the intensity of love as others, but I will be able to show my version of love to the people who deserve it.

I’ve never described myself as eloquent, but I’d like to leave a message to my father just in case he sees this in the future. “I’m trying to be able to say ‘I love you’ and mean it because I don’t want to hurt you again. You have and always be the number one man in my life. You have been a father, mentor, and friend for the past sixteen years and you will remain for the future. I cannot express my thanks and gratitude towards you for the many things you’ve done for and with me. There will be a day I pay it back and it’ll end with me saying the most sincere ‘I love you’ as you deserve it most.”

Posted in Internal Thoughts

Ahead and Behind

It is a bittersweet feeling when I realize how far ahead in life I am, but so far behind at the same time. I just finished my first semester of college and I think it went great. I did not make the exact grades I wanted, but I am still doing good in school. I have a job where I go to college and I have made a few friends. With the degree plan that I have picked out for myself, I will finish college in three years instead of the standard four. I am also already making plans to study abroad in South Korea at some point, which excites me beyond imagination. I have wanted to go see Korea myself for years and learn more about the culture and history of the country.

One could say that I am doing great academically and that I have amazing goals to achieve that seem plausible. However, there is a specific part of my life that makes me worried for my mental well being. The social aspect of my life.

To give some background, before ninth grade I moved to a different school border and had to start high school in a school where I knew no one. I had also only recently quit gymnastics as well, so I was already lacking friends in the school part of my life, so losing the friends I did have after moving was difficult for a quiet person like myself. High school was great in a lot of ways. I made friends who I hope will be with me for the rest of my life.

At least that’s what I thought until recently.

It feels like all of my friends have moved on in life in a way that I will never be able to achieve. One of my closest friends has had a long term boyfriend and will be spending time with him over the winter break. One of my other close friends just recently got a boyfriend during the semester and will also be spending time with him. Another has made plans and another hasn’t replied, but we weren’t extremely close to begin with.

I know I’m being irrational, but I can’t stop thinking this thought that all of the people that I thought were my close friends are going to turn their backs on me one day and forget me. I’ll just become a memory that they can smile upon in the future. A future that I won’t be a part of. It’s a terrible thought to think, but I can’t help my fear.

For people who know me, this fear is obvious, but my fear of being abandoned/forgotten is such a huge part of me, but a part of me that I try to not show much. I feel that I only show the part of me that’s somewhat happy and content with her life, which I am most of the time, but I feel so alone and forgotten sometimes, and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to tell me friends because I don’t want to make them feel guilty, but I also want to just scream at them to tell them that I need them in my life. That I want to be selfish and greedy for once in my life and ask for a day where we can all be together. But I can’t do that. My emotional wants will come second to everyone else’s because when other’s are happy, I should be happy too….


Posted in Internal Thoughts

Another Bad Day

Here’s to another bad day along with the rest. It wasn’t even school that was bad. It was the day in general. It started off with waking up at a horrible hour and not getting a proper night’s rest. Unfortunately, that’s pretty normal for me, but I normally combat a bad night, by dressing up for school. I did that, and I thought the day would be better.

My thoughts changed by the time fourth period came around. I was just suddenly hit with a sudden and crushing sense of depression. Lunch came next and I thought I could share my thoughts about how I was feeling, but every one of my friends was in a bad mood. At least that’s what I gathered from the lack of happiness at the table. Me, not liking the sad feelings, tried to make things more lively, but it was basically impossible in my eyes. Eventually conversation picked up and everything seemed normal, but I was not.

It was probably my depression, but I felt horrible after lunch. Nothing seemed to make it better. I normally wait for my friend after my last class of the day so I can walk with her to her last class of the day and have a short conversation with her, but she was preoccupied. That didn’t really bother me, but she, nor the other people she was talking to, tried to include me in the conversation and I felt horribly left out.

Long story short, today I felt like a lost puppy with no owner to love her. I felt unwanted and that no one cared about me. I know that other people have their own problems and such, but I always make an effort to let my friends know that I am there for them, but I always feel like I won’t get the same back. Today, like most days, I had the thought that if I died, no one would care. That it would actually be a weight off of everyone’s shoulders.

I’ve never felt like I was good enough for anyone. I always feel like I have to be better, to take the high road, and care about the people around me more than about myself. I can’t have selfish thoughts because I don’t deserve them. Why should I be selfish when there is no reason for me to be selfish of the things around me? If I can’t make the people I care about better, than how am I better than a rag doll to those people? I’m not, and I can’t shake that thought off.

I’ll perpetually feel like I’m not good enough, and the worst part is that no one will know…not that they would care…

Posted in Internal Thoughts

Friendship Is…

Let me start out by saying that I don’t have that many friends. And by friends, I mean the people I tell practically everything to. The people who I go to first when I have a problem or want to vent to. Those people are my true friends and everyone else has an old label that says “friends.” Don’t misunderstand, I still like and enjoy being around those other people, but they don’t affect me like my true friends do.

I’ve never been a really social person due to being a gymnast for most of my school career. By the time I quit, everyone had already established their own groups and I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Sure there were the people who I would talk to everyday, but I never felt close to those people. What I hated the most was when I would be walking and talking to one of my closer friends and then she would see someone she knows and run off and talk to them no matter if I was done speaking or not. I just gave up on finishing my sentences from then on and it’s stuck to me now, but that was discussed more on a previous post.

Anyway, to the heart of the problem.

Today, I made one of my best friends upset with the words I said when she wasn’t around. Though I said them with no ill will, she interpreted them to be like I was talking bad about her behind her back. I won’t go through the situation, but I can understand how she got to that point. From her perspective, it looked like I was being a horrible friend even though we are super close, but from my perspective, I was trying to clarify myself to one of my other friends. It’s hard to explain without giving out too many details, but long story short, each story has many sides, and the truth is always in the middle somewhere.

She texted me how she felt, and I was very confused about why she was upset. However, once I figured it out, guilt rushed through me so fast. It wasn’t even the words I said that made me feel the most guilty. It was the knowledge that I had hurt one of my friends with my words. Even if it was an accident and misinterpreted on both of our parts, negative emotions hit me a lot harder than positive ones do. My heart hurt from how much negativity I was feeling. I felt like an awful friend and an even worse person.

Phrases like, “Look what you did now. You can’t even keep your friends happy,” or “How useless are you to hurt someone you love so much,” kept running through my head, breaking me down. I started crying almost instantly when I realized what I had done. I know it’s only my depression that enhances these dark thoughts, but I can’t fight them when I believe they’re true.

It also doesn’t help that I have abandonment issues. I kept thinking that she isn’t going to want to be my friend anymore. That she’ll be able to drop me faster than Texas weather changes. I always feel like I’m not good enough to have people who care about me around me. “If I’m not what everyone wants me to be, then why would anyone want me?” That’s what plagues me the most when situations like this happen.

The main point of this post is that for the people who I can really call my best friends, you people are extremely important to me. My life is figuratively in your hands, because without the love of the people around me, I don’t want to live. Hurting my friends hurts me ten times more, even if it was a mistake. Taking the blame, being pushed to the sidelines, and much more are all things that I endure when I’m around people, sometimes even you, but I endure because I know you mean well.

I’m constantly hurting, but knowing that there are a few people in my life who actually care about me, heals my gaping wound just enough to help me keep going on with this life.

Posted in Internal Thoughts, Random

Midnight Thoughts

As a high school student staying up past midnight is a normal occurrence. Midnight is something that passes within a blink of an eye to and I’m left wondering where all that time went while I was watching videos on YouTube or playing games on my phone.

It’s nights like this that make me really question what I’m doing with my life. I could be doing a million different things that would benefit me more than lying in my bedroom doing nothing. I know all of this, yet I can’t seem to find the motivation to do something more thrilling with my free time. There are many things I could blame for my lack of enthusiasm, but if I really wanted to do something more productive, I probably would have done it by now.

So the real questions is: What is the goal in life that will make me take action instead of being a bystander ?

Posted in Internal Thoughts

Storytime…not really

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel unappreciated or disrespected? Me, it happens all the time, and it makes me really sad because it happens a lot to me. It normally happens because when I try to have my input it’s at the end of the thread and everyone is losing interest. Or while I’m in the middle of saying something someone else interrupts and completely veers the conversation in a way where my story isn’t relevant anymore.

I realize that some of the problem is my fault since I tend to listen more than I talk, which I’m fine with since I do enjoy listening to other people than I do listening to myself. However, it makes me feel depressed whenever I actually have something I want to share and I either don’t get to say it or I get interrupted halfway through to never say a thing about it again.

That happened to me today at lunch with my friends. We were all sharing different dreams that we had. I don’t remember my dreams that often, but there was this one dream that has stuck with me since middle school. It was fiction like and could be written as a book; that was the type of dream it was. However, when I started telling my dream (after lots of people have said theirs) all sorts of other conversations were happening. Two people were trying to listen to me, but it was so loud and distracting that I had to give up telling my story.

I’m bitter that I didn’t get to tell my dream, and none of my friends realized that. Heck, I don’t even know if they realized I even stopped talking. It’s moments like these that really kick in my depression. It makes me have thoughts like “If I wasn’t here right now, life would be perfectly fine. No one would miss me.”

It’s irrational, but when the feeling of being less important than everyone else has been a part of you since you can remember, it’s hard to ignore those thoughts.

Posted in Internal Thoughts

My Posts

My last high school year has officially started since August 22nd, and let’s just say, I already feel swamped with work. That being said, I will not post as frequently as I was able to do during the summer. If you have noticed, I haven’t done almost all of my August writing challenges, so I will also need to stop doing that.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to post! I will post, but it will be a bout stuff that really weighs on my mind or that I feel I need to get off of my chest. This also means that my posts will be more thoughtful (I hope) and will illicit comments from people. I will edit and revise the posts I make from now on. There are a few I am working on right now, though I don’t now when they will be out.

On that note, enjoy life, whether you are still in school or working as an adult. Life is short so you need to live it to the fullest even though I am stuck at a desk all morning.

Love always, internalrebel!

Posted in Random

Sleeping the Sick Away ~

So for the past few days I have been sick. Let me just say that when I get sick, it is a miserable time for me. I am not one to get sick often, but when I do, the first day I might as well be half dead because that’s what I feel like when I wake up. It’s like my immune system goes into overdrive and makes my sickness a lot worse than it needs to be.

I have a fever, stuffy/runny nose, and I sneeze and cough a lot. It might not seem that bad, but along with my fevers, I also tend to get headaches that correspond with my fever. If my fever goes up, my headache gets worse. Isn’t that just wonderful?

Sleeping is a wonderful cure to many illnesses and I did just that. At least I did until I woke up late and had to rush to work where I was technically late. Working while being sick was bearable at first, but by the time eight rolled around I wasn’t sure if I was feeling worse or better. I really didn’t have an appetite, but I tried to eat as much supper as I could. Though I wanted to go to bed early, an annoying boy kept trying to get my attention no matter how much I dropped hints that I didn’t want to talk to him. (Boy talk can be addressed another day)

Anyway, another thing that happens when I get sick is that I might be fully functioning on the second or third day of being sick, but I am still sick and probably contagious. I am not actually one hundred per cent better until a week later if not more. It’s unfortunate and hopefully something that changes when I get older…