To be cliche; life is full of ups and downs, and, hopefully, the ups outweigh the downs. Life can also feel very repetitive if one has a set schedule whether it’s a job or school. I like to think that all of the things we feel throughout life can fall onto a spectrum. For example: happy to sad, excited to bored, and so on. The emotional spectrum would most likely be represented as a cube.
For most people, all emotions are very present and for others there are more extreme emotions that broaden the spectrum. Depression causes an extension to the cube and creates a 3D kite. OCD could extend some other parts of the cube. There are so many things that could affect this cube, so everyone’s cube is different yet similar.
Except for mine.
My cube isn’t a cube. It’s more like a diamond, but with less angles and complexion. And this is due to the fact that I am unable to feel love. What is love, though? How does one go about saying how they know they “love” something? Will the heart race? Will life be unlivable if that something isn’t a part of the world anymore? Will the internal temperature of the body rise unintentionally? If those can help define what love is, then I have yet to find love.
I definitely have my interests and things that I like, but nothing that would come close to the feeling of “love” that everyone seems to express so easily. Friends, family, hobbies, etc. all fall around the “like” area of my spectrum as that’s the farthest anything can go.
I figured this out a few years ago through one of my deep thinking sessions and I eventually confessed about it to my dad and brother. I don’t talk about my deep feelings a lot, but it felt right. However, I recently found out that I hurt my dad with my words. I can’t take them back and I wouldn’t if given the chance. It’s my reality, but there is something positive I can say to wrap up this sad post.
The moment I found out that I lack love as an emotion, a weight was lifted off of my body and mind. I feel that I am getting closer to being able to say “love” and mean it. I don’t think that I will ever be able to feel the intensity of love as others, but I will be able to show my version of love to the people who deserve it.
I’ve never described myself as eloquent, but I’d like to leave a message to my father just in case he sees this in the future. “I’m trying to be able to say ‘I love you’ and mean it because I don’t want to hurt you again. You have and always be the number one man in my life. You have been a father, mentor, and friend for the past sixteen years and you will remain for the future. I cannot express my thanks and gratitude towards you for the many things you’ve done for and with me. There will be a day I pay it back and it’ll end with me saying the most sincere ‘I love you’ as you deserve it most.”