For the most part I’d like to describe myself as a pretty laid back person, but on the other hand I feel that I am one of the most two faced people I know. It’s not that the person I show to other people isn’t the real me, but it’s the me that everyone wants to see. I show the part of me that’s nice yet sarcastic, helpful, realistic, etc. Got the picture? I try to be a role model or at least the person I think I should be.
When I consider someone a good friend, I would literally do almost anything for them. I become the attentive friend that some might find annoying. I’ll pay attention to any detail I can get. I’ll buy a friend tissues if I see them sniffling, be a shoulder for them to cry, take time out of my schedule to see them even if it’s out of the way for me, and other things of that sort. With this wholehearted attitude and actions I put into my friends, my problem is the thought that I want the same back.
I want my friends to give back as much as they receive. If I’m willing to go the ends of the earth for my friends…why can’t they do the same? Does this make me greedy to be shown the same amount of love that I try to give? Do I deserve the amount of love that I give back to other people? Should I stop trying so hard? Should I give up?
My thought processes tend to go in the same general direction when I get into one of my depressed moods. It’s always negative, and I can’t help it. I never feel like I’m good enough. I feel like I always have to fight for every good thing in my life; that if I don’t be better than the best then I don’t even deserve a crumb of goodness.
I want these things that always seem out of my reach and I can’t help but feel like I can’t reach it because I don’t need it, that I don’t deserve it. I’m greedy because I have experienced amazing things and have a “good” life, yet I’m not happy with my life. There’s something more, but do I really need to have this “more” in my life? Am I just being greedy even though I shouldn’t be?
Even if I find that “more,” I don’t think I would be able to grab it because this “more” that could complete me could reject me and destroy the shell of a person that I am now. I’m scared, timid, to grab this “more” that my greedy heart wants yet shies from. Such contradictory feelings slow through me like a hurricane every day, yet I can’t show it.
It’s not who I am. It’s not who I should be. I can’t be selfish. I can’t be shameless. Don’t cry. Don’t be a dependent. Be independent and be a wall for other people to lean on. I have to give everything I have even if I’m a single touch away from breaking. Don’t frown.